VIEWS FROM A BROAD

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING but AREN'T

Don't play with your meat.

Whew, that's one terrific spread!

I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

Talk about a huge breast!

It's Cool Whip time!

If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

Are you ready for seconds yet?

Are you going to come again next time?

It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.

Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

You still have a little bit on your chin.

Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.

How long will it take after you stick it in?

You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

How many are coming?

That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest.

How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Woman Bites Off Part of Boyfriend's Tongue After VALENTINE'S DAY Argument

She coulda just told him to bite his tongue but she did it for him instead....

 

After an argument on a Valentine's Day date, a Chicago man tried to kiss and make up with his girlfriend.

But the girlfriend bit off a chunk of his tongue, prosecutors said.

On Sunday morning, Judge Israel Desierto ordered Elaine Cook, 51, held in lieu of $100,000 in bond court. Cook, of Skokie, shook her head repeatedly as prosecutors detailed the argument.

Cook and her boyfriend, who had been dating for 10 months, went out for Valentine's Day last week, according to prosecutors and court records.

Shortly after returning to Cook's north suburban apartment, the two started arguing and she asked her boyfriend to leave, Assistant State's Attorney Eve Reilly said. The man, 47, put on his shoes and started to head out the door when he tried to make amends, Reilly added.

"He told her they should stop fighting and went to kiss her," Reilly said, "and she bit off a large portion of his tongue."

The man ran to the kitchen sink. Cook followed, placed the detached tongue in her hand and threw it on the counter. He put the severed tongue in a bag of ice and called 911, prosecutors said.

MORE FROM THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE.

(Posted by Schmooze Corresondent Mary Wallace)

 

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TOP SIGNS YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY IS GONNA SUCK ....

Not excited that it's Valentine's Day?  Maybe it's because of something on this list of the Top Signs Your Valentine's Day is Gonna Suck BIG TIME

Notice how you woke up in bed alone?  There ya go

Your lover sends you flowers at work . . . while your husband/wife is visiting.

Three minutes after picking you up, your blind date covers your mouth with a funny-smelling rag and says, "This hurts me more than it does you."

Your wife just called and asked you to pick up maxi pads on your way home from work

As usual, he's going to think that just because he sprang for a stuffed bear and dinner at Applebee's with a coupon, he gets anal.

After getting matching tattoos, your girlfriend just casually asked if anyone knew whether Hepatitis was contagious.

Even though she's treating you to a romantic dinner, there's still something weird about going on a date with your mom.

No matter how many times you get naked and hide in his dressing room, Justin Bieber STILL doesn't understand you and he were meant to be together

When your girl said she wanted chocolate, she meant DeAndre from next door.

It's just you and your wine and your cats and Bravo TV.  And you're a dude.

Her prison isn't doing conjugal visits today.

It's a Wonderul Life ..uncensored version

It's a Wonderul Life is an American classic, but this censored version of the film is so much better.

 

One Out of 10 Office Party Hookups Ends With Someone Getting Fired! Who ya gonna bang in accounting for the holidays?

Here's your stern, un-fun lesson on why you shouldn't hook up with a co-worker at the company Christmas party.  According to a new survey, about 10% of office party romances end in someone either getting disciplined . . . or FIRED.

This just in, courtesy of the crack team of statisticians over at AshleyMadison.com (which is essentially Match.com for married people looking to have an affair): There's a pretty good chance you're going to bang a co-worker at this year's office holiday party. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can stop pretending that you don't picture Jennifer from Accounting every time you sleep with your wife.

The boozy office party is traditionally a time for staff to let their hair down after a years' hard work, but with dark corners and copious alcohol things may often escalate.

 

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Guy Had a Stroke in His Office, None of His Coworkers Noticed For Five Days ( obviously not the head of the the office party)

The cost of a Christmas party clinch: One in 10 workers face disciplinary action or dismissal for indulging in romantic activity with a colleague at office do