Joaquin Phoenix - 39 (the brother who DOESN'T do speedballs and die in pretentious Hollywood nightspots. He was nominated for an Oscar for his role as Johnny Cash in "Walk the Line" but had to settle for a Golden Globe.)
ELVIS MEDINA! - 39 (DOGHOUSESTAR!!!)
Justin Guarini - 35 (Interracial, afro-wearing "American Idol" runner-up.who is doing what?.)
Dayanara Torres - 39 (Former Miss Universe who used to nail Marc Anthony.)
Trista Rehn - 41 (No longer a "Bachelorette". Still obnoxious.)
Brad Paisley - 41 (Country star. He nails "Father of the Bride" star Kimberly Williams.)
Ben Harper - 44 (He interracially nails Laura Dern.)
Andy Richter - 47 (riding Conan's Shirt tails.. and Keeps getting cancelled on crap shows)
JULIA ROBERTS - 46
Andy Richter is 47 The trick is to get his lips off Conan O'Brien's ass long enough to blow out his candles.
Jami Gertz - 48 ("Still Standing" MILF who used to play Muffy on "Square Pegs".)
Lauren Holly - 51 (Jim Carrey's ex-wife in real life and the chick he fell for in "Dumb and Dumber". You also know her as Jenny Shepard on "NCIS". She was murdered at the end of last season . . . and it's a good thing too because she was truly annoying as hell.)
Daphne Zuniga - 51 (Former "Melrose Place" minx who now plays Sophia Bush's evil mother on "One Tree Hill". But to me she'll always be Princess Vespa in "Spaceballs".)
Bill Gates - 58 (His home covers about 66,000 square feet. All the floors are heated, including the DRIVEWAY. The swimming pool has massive speakers in it so you can hear your favorite music under water.) (His wife's clothes are hung on a revolving dry cleaner-type rack stretching 42 feet. The rare paintings hung in his home are worth $100 MILLION by themselves.
ANNIE POTTS - 61 (Former "Designing Women" spinner.)
Bruce Jenner - 64 (Olympic gold medalist and STAR OF "CHiPs". When en fuego Erik Estrada was in a salary dispute, Bruce was brought in as Officer Steve McLeish. Sadly, he and Ponch never got to ride side-by-side --Bruce is fame whore shill Kim Kardashian's stepfather . . . plus he walks around looking all bewildered and henpecked on their E! reality show, If you don't recognize that name, he's one of the Kardashian family's many leather accessories..)
Dennis Franz - 69 (Famous for showing his "NYPD Blue" buttocks.)
CHARLIE DANIELS - 77 (Genius who gave us "The Devil Went Down to Georgia".)
ON THIS DAY...... 1636 - HARVARD College was founded in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
1886 - The STATUE OF LIBERTY was unveiled. President Grover Cleveland formally dedicated the 225-ton, 152-foot tall gift from the snooty [slash] stinky people of France in New York Harbor.
1929 - The FIRST CHILD BORN ON AN AIRPLANE was delivered over Miami.
1961 - Record store owner BRIAN EPSTEIN received a request from a customer for a song called "My Bonnie" from an obscure new group called the BEATLES. He'd never heard of them but he soon became their manager.
1981 - The LOS ANGELES DODGERS beat the NEW YORK YANKEES in six games to win the WORLD SERIES. --The Dodgers were carried on the chubby shoulders of one FERNANDO VALENZUELA . . . and one PEDRO GUERRERO!!! It was NOT a peen-chee!!! (???)
1986 - Moron psycho bible thumping Evangelist PAT ROBERTSON warned parents against the DANGERS OF HALLOWEEN. Quote: "We ought to close Halloween down. Do you want your children dressing up like witches? They are acting out Satanic rituals."
1996 - RICHARD JEWELL, the delicious chubby cleared of committing the Olympic park bombing, held a news conference in Atlanta in which he thanked his mother for standing by him and lashed out at reporters and investigators who had depicted him as the bomber!!!
2004 - DAVID HASSELHOFF lost his license because of a DUI.
2004 - BILL O'REILLY reached some kind of undisclosed settlement with his accuser, "O'Reilly Factor" producer Andrea Mackris.
