TOP SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD HAUNTED HOUSE

There will be plenty to choose from this weekend, so to make sure you don't waste precious minutes visiting the wrong one, check out today's list of the Top Signs You're at a Bad Haunted House.

To save money on toothless ghouls, they just hire NASCAR fans.

Instead of a chainsaw, the psycho killer chases you with a slap-chop.

Ghosts don't actually rattle chains.  They have an app for that.

The funhouse mirrors make you look fat.  Then you realize they're just regular mirrors.

The only moaning comes from the hooker Charlie Sheen locked in the closet.

You can tell the neck bolts are rubber on the Khloe Kardashian costume.

Not a single black person is being vocal.

The only ghost who reaches out and grabs kids is Michael Jackson.

The Wolfman won't stop humping your leg.

The scary music playing?  Justin Bieber.

The cobwebs are from Betty White's cooter.

The only time you sense the presence of evil is when somebody comes out of the bathroom.

They say it's full of monsters, but not once do you see Sarah Palin.

The only thing scary about the house is that it's in Detroit.