VIEWS FROM A BROAD

CELEBRITY BLACKBERRY: CHARLIE SHEEN

 8:00 A.M.:  Punch alarm clock to shut it up.  Oops, that was Brooke.  Sorry!

8:35 A.M.:  Stare into mirror in disbelief that Emilio turned out to be the "less embarrassing" one.

9:25 A.M.:  Take a long, hard crap;  keep facial expression for rest of day.

10:45 A.M.:  Meet with counselor for womanizing and drinking issues.  After a few shots, nail her on the couch.

12:20 P.M.:  Work on "Major League" sequel that no one asked for.

1:50 P.M.:  Buy new roll of father's legacy to wipe my butt.

3:05 P.M.:  Ask Gilbert Arenas if next time I can try one of his guns.

4:00 P.M.:  Hit dressing room for makeup and marathon sex with high-priced prostitutes.

5:55 P.M.:  Turn down spokesperson offer from Ginsu.

7:15 P.M.:  Dinner;  mess with Brooke by glaring at her while slicing steak.

8:30 P.M.:  Try to think of something I hate more than women.  Fail.

10:10 P.M.:  Hook up with new smoking 10 . . . because it's still Hollywood, and I'm still me.

a RETRO MOMENT IN TIME: THE VILLAGE PEOPLE- SEX OVER THE PHONE

OH MY GAWD...........just stumbled on this one..wayy before chat rooms and the internet...ENJOY!

German Policeman Suspended for Having Sex During Church Service

Talk about getting caught in a moving violation...

BERLIN —  Police in southern Germany say an officer has been suspended from duty after allegedly having sex in a Catholic church during a service.

Regional police spokesman Hans-Peter Kammerer told the German news agency DAPD on Monday that the 26-year-old faces possible disciplinary measures and a criminal complaint for allegedly disturbing religious activities.

He said a visitor discovered the officer with a woman in the church in Rennertshofen, near the Bavarian city of Ingolstadt, during an early-morning service last Thursday. The couple then fled, but a church employee recognized the officer.

The man was suspended the following day. Disturbing religious activities can carry a sentence of up to three years in prison.

Read the NEWS STORY HERE

Iowa Man Spells Out Wife's Birthday Message in Manure

this man saved up all the shit he's gotten from his wife all year long and simply gave it back in an act of love.

ZWINGLE, Iowa - Ask this Iowa wife if she got the perfect birthday present and she'll tell you her hubby "dung good."

Carole and Dick Kleis live together on their eastern Iowa farm. This year for her birthday, Dick used more than 120,000 pounds of manure to spell out a special message. It basically says 'Happy Birthday, Love You,' but in shorthand.

And it only took three hours to spell it all out in a stinky, but mushy way.

"It's not hard," said Kleis. "Any manure will work but the good, soft, gushy, warm stuff works the best. It kind of melts the snow."

Carole say Dick's birthday is in May and she's already thinking of ways to beat out his gift.

Click the video player to see what it looked like.

Ohio woman punched through Drive thru window over lack of Chicken McNuggets...

Ya know its sad when some crazy bitch looses her shiz over no friggin McNuggets!..

A Toledo woman, who allegedly put her fist through a fast-food drive-through window after being told her order couldn't be filled, appeared in court Saturday on a felony vandalism charge.

Melodi Dushane, 24, of 1332 Felt St. became "upset that chicken nuggets weren't available" and "punched out the drive-through window," according to Toledo police. Police were called Friday to the McDonald's restaurant at 90 Main St., where Ms. Dushane was arrested. Before Ms. Dushane was booked into the Lucas County jail, she was treated at Mercy St. Charles Hospital for injuries sustained when she allegedly punched at the window. Ms. Dushane pleaded not guilty to the charge yesterday in Toledo Municipal Court. She was released on a supervised recognizance bond.

She was ordered not to have any contact with the restaurant and will return to court on Jan. 28. Guess sh'es heading to Wendys...

MCNUGGETS BITCH HERE

a commercial for a women's butt-enhancement product called BOOTY POP

and when you get home and they see your REAL SAGGY GRAVITY RIDDEN ASS...then what?

USING SEX TOYS IMPROVES YOUR SEXUAL HEALTH

If you're still looking for a reason to run out and purchase your first naughty novelty device, allow me to encourage you . . .

According to two new studies from Indiana University, it's really common to use sexy stimulators.  And people who use them regularly tend to have better sexual health. Overall, 53% of women admit they own a sexy stimulator.  ONE in FOUR have used it within the last month. 

And the study also found that women who use toys are more likely to visit the gynecologist and perform self-exams than women who don't.

45% of guys admit they've used a naughty novelty device at some point in their life . . . either with a partner or solo.  Overall, men who use toys are more likely to perform self-exams on their GONADS than men who don't.

A woman named Dr. Debra Herbenick led the study about the ladies. She says it, quote, "affirms what many doctors and therapists have known for decades: that [naughty novelty device] use is common, it's linked to positive sexual function such as desire and ease of orgasm, and it's rarely associated with any side effects."

A guy named Dr. Michael Reece led the study involving the guys.  He says that it's, quote, "additionally important because it shows that [sexy stimulator] use is also common among men, something that has not been documented before

read the Vancouver Sun story here

THE GUY WITH THE WORLD'S LONGEST JUNK JONAH FALCON IS UNEMPLOYED AND LIVING WITH HIS MOTHER:

YOU wont believe this....

Guys, you might think all your problems would magically melt away or at least become more manageable . . . if only you had a MASSIVE DONG. 

But that's not true.  Just ask 39-year-old Jonah Falcon a guy who, allegedly, has the LONGEST MEMBER IN THE WORLD.

In 1999, Jonah appeared in an HBO documentary called "Private Dicks: Men Exposed", where they measured his junk at 13.5 inches.  Supposedly, that's the longest ever recorded on film.

But now Jonah's unemployed, living with his mother, and looking for writing and acting work in New York City.

Now, I know what you're thinking:  How could the guy with the world's longest junk EVER be out of work?  Certainly, there must be at least one smut peddler out there who'd love to get his hands on Jonah's junk. 

But the answer is simple:  Jonah refuses to do pornography.  He says, quote, "If I did porno, nobody would take me seriously.  Nobody."

WARNING REALLY SCARY NUDITY

See ALL 13.5 OF JONAH HERE 

Matthew Broderick gets HAIRCUT...SOME FOLKS JUST DONT AGE GRACEFULLY

We all know that most little boys can't stand getting their hair cut. But a trip to the barbers can be something of a chore even for 40-something actor. ( yes one day someone will catch my ass in the salon)

Matthew Broderick looked bored to tears as he went for a trim at a salon in Manhattan in New York yesterday.

The 47-year-old Ferris Bueller star pulled faces into the mirror as his stylist pinned his hair back off his face and set to work on the back and sides.

An uncomfortable-looking Broderick even managed a forced smile at the hairdresser, and seemed aware that he was the subject of a paparazzi lens.

the UK Daily News Here...

SUNDAY MORNIN GOSPEL ALBUM COVER- DO YOU KNOW JESUS he gave me a puppet for a son?

What is it with these bible thumping singing gospel families?..

One night Aunt Nancy kneeled by her bed, clutching her American Standard bible..and said "my uterus doesn't work so I'm gonna pray Jesus gives me a ugly ass wooden puppet as a son named Randy, and my husband , Uncle Les, can shove his fist up its ass and make it say pleasant little bible verses and we can make a record and become rich and famous...

just saying...